I wouldn’t consider myself aggressive. Confident yes, but not forward or smooth when it comes to taking that leap from acquaintances to “I think you’re smart, funny, and attractive and physical intimacy might be on the table…and perhaps literally on this table right now.”

I wish we could all just be more direct and honest about who we want to date…and fuck. But that’s not what I’ve observed the world to be. Instead, we have to hint about our feelings and intentions, play coy games. We have to wait two days to text someone or can’t message too much because it might mean something. Instead of worrying about what our behavior might mean, why can’t we just say what we want, instead of making someone guess where we are? I hate how indirect dating communication has gotten. There is no way that I should discover that someone has lost interest in me simply because he has just slowly stopped communicating. Why can’t he just tell me respectfully? I so respect a man who just says, “I’ve really enjoyed our time together but I’m going to spend time with other people.” Its our job to accept when people are honest with us, so they won’t be afraid to do it again in the future.

Flirting is one of my favorite things about the beginning of a relationship. But flirting from a poly position feels dangerous, and not in the good way.

I’m not completely “out” about my poly status for number of reasons:

1. I’ve lived in the same medium-sized town for over 20 years. I have some level of anonymity, but literally every where I go, I see several people I know. My behavior in public is observed by people who know me, especially if I’m having dinner with a handsome man who is not my husband and we’re making goo-goo eyes. A smaller town would be worse, as would a town with less than 50% poly-accepting hippies as I now enjoy.
2. My day job requires a certain level of socially-conservative behavior. One e-mail from a “judgmental customer” to my boss about my “lifestyle choice” would result in a shit-storm of egg-shell meetings with HR and eventually probably the elimination of my position.
3. My day job is not the job I want to have for the rest of my life. As such, I’ve been playing it safe until I achieve economic independence (which you can help by buying my upcoming short stories on Smash Words) or until I find the right day job that doesn’t give a damn what I do after hours.
4. The last two gal pals I’ve told about my status were so unnerved and unaccepting because they saw my desire to see more than one person as an insult to my wonderful husband and a failing on my part. So obviously, I have no motivation to share it with anyone else.

I’ve only had success finding people to date by using a dating web site that includes the relationship type “non-monogamous.” There I get to say all the things and be completely open about my situation right out of the gate.

Trying to do that in person is another whole ball of wax. For starters, telling someone I’ve only just met that I’m poly is risky business.

1. Telling them is taking the leap to “sex is on the table.”
2. Telling someone who is not accepting could scare them away, even as a friend.
3. There is no guarantee they won’t leak my secret agent status at a later date.

The last two times I’ve revealed my status to someone I was interested in, it did not go well. One never spoke to me again. The other didn’t really know what poly was and thought it meant I was a nymphomaniac who prefers group sex. We never survived the ensuing conversation. That was for the best, but I can’t be sure they’ll keep my secret.

Although trying to date as a poly person is trying at times, I won’t ever give it up. People really bug me, but I also really enjoy getting to know them. I love the phermones that fly between people who have chemistry. I love being attracted to someone who is interesting and makes me laugh. And I love knowing that someone wants me, not just for my voluptuous body, but also because I’m unique, real, clever, and talented. Connecting with people is what life is about, and life is amazingly short, so I see no reason to limit ourselves to one partner at a time as long as we’re ethical.

So, please join me in the revolution to be more respectfully direct in our dating approaches. Please, please comment below if you have something to add to this conversation.