Meeting people is easy…and hard. I have learned over the years how to be an engaging conversationalist. Some of that has grown in stride with my self-confidence. But no one ever taught me what to do next. Why isn’t this part of high school curriculum? As a result, I still definitely strike out more than I succeed.

On more than one occasion, I have talked to an attractive man, where we’re both engaged and interested, for more than an hour and still left the party or bar without the person’s full name or phone number.

How could this be? Fear. The answer is purely and simply, fear.

So, although I’ve titled this post as including advice, I’m probably the last person you should listen to on how to be successful at moving past the initial meeting. But I write this because I know that there are millions out there just as baffled as I am. Maybe you could all post your tips for me in the comments section.

What I’ve learned from failure and friends:

Talk about something they’re interested in. It breaks the ice, puts them in a position of confidence and knowing, and its a great way to find out who they really are. The first step is to find out what they’re interested in. I’ve learned to be cautious about asking about a day job first. Some men get defensive if they think you’re fishing to see if they’re rich or even just employed. So I start with hobbies, always looking for common ground. We can’t all share the same hobbies, and there are surely gender differences, but even if you’re not interested in LARPING or horror films, look at the discussion of their favorite thing as a learning experience. The things I’ve learned from conversation with people I’m not interested in dating have helped me have better conversation with the people I am interested in. Pretend you are a reporter. Really listen to what they’re saying, and respond with sincere questions that don’t imply judgement. So instead of, “You actually spend every weekend dressed as a civil war soldier crawling around in a park?” try, “I’ve never met a civil war re-enactor. That sounds like it takes commitment. How did you get started there?”

A friend in the pharmaceutical business told me that he didn’t play golf or even like watching it, but every day, he spent hours talking to doctors about their game. How did he do that? He went to a driving range, hit a bucket of balls, learned the rules of the game, and knew enough to carry on a conversation for at least 15 minutes. So apply this idea to the type of person you’re interested in. If, like me, you’re often attracted to quirky, smart men, learn a little about comic books, engineering or science, space, or science fiction. I rarely play poker or football, but I know the rules of each game, and I know the difference between a wide receiver and a defensive end–and yes, all the positions sound sexual. I also play a solidly mediocre game of pool, Foosball, darts, and beer pong.

Save talk of religion and politics for the next meeting. Unless one or both of these subjects are very important to you, or you’re just out to argue or gloat about your knowledge, you’ll discover gradually how someone feels about these issues without tackling them directly on a first meeting. Just pay attention. By the end of a 30-minute conversation about life, mutual friends, or current events, I can usually tell whether a person is a secular humanist like me and which party they usually vote for. Do we have to think or vote the same to have a quality relationship that includes friendship and intimacy? No. But without some common ground, a long-term connection might not last unless we both agree to just avoid certain topics of conversation, and Facebook, altogether.

Touch them. Of course, you have to be very careful here. I wish it were more straightforward. No means, no, dammit. But I can’t help reaching out and letting a couple of fingers brush across the elbow of someone that has made me really laugh. My gal pal has said that brushing the hip or a breast across the back as you walk by is the ultimate hint. She goes even further, dancing on them with some brushing when a great song comes on. But she’s way better at closing than me. Fearless.

Eye contact is the window to your soul. How can you argue with a Pschyology Today article? Eye contact has always been a struggle for me. I am much more confident communicating with my voice. Holding someone’s gaze is a vulnerable place because you really can see how they feel. So you have to be ready and strong within yourself to accept what you see–or don’t see–there. This is there area I’m going to invest the most effort in on future outings. I think my failure to get a phone number has been connected to fear of letting him know how I really feel about him. I’ll keep you posted after my next field trip, coming up this Friday night. 😉

What strategies to connect have you learned from your not-so-successful outings? Please post your comments. I can use all the help I can get.